My pet died - how can I cope?

“Grief is the form love takes when we experience loss”  - Katherine Shear

Loss will be one of the most important experiences in our lives. However, unlike most important things we experience in our lives, the story of loss is often one left untold. Sadly, this is even more true of pet loss. 

Pet loss grief 

In the UK, over 15,000 people per year phone the Blue Cross’ pet loss volunteer support line. I know from experience, many more simply suffer in silence. Offering professional support for pet loss is important. Why? Because, while most of us will experience painful emotions coupled with an inability to function in day-to-day life (acute grief), some of us will continue to experience this impact for many months and in some cases years (prolonged grief).   

Roughly 10% – that’s how many people experience prolonged grief following loss. For these people, professional help will be necessary. Do the other 90% who experience acute grief need professional support? Not necessarily, but it will almost certainly be helpful.

Types of loss

Pet loss, in particular, has more potential to lead to prolonged grief. We know this because we know what causes grief to become prolonged: guilt, shame, denial – common emotions when we consider our role as caregivers to our loved ones (known as derailers). Types of loss we experience include when our loved one goes missing never to return (ambiguous loss); unexpected or violent deaths caused by the likes of disease, health conditions, road traffic accidents etc (traumatic loss); an inability to express or communicate your loss authentically – think about people who say things like “it’s only a dog… move on.” (disenfranchised loss); and awareness that the loss is coming – think about when a pet has a terminal illness or we have to decide whether to, and when to. euthanise (anticipatory loss). 

These are the most common causes for loss to become prolonged. What do they all have in common? Well, they can all be closely related to pet loss. I suspect, with pet loss, more than 10% experience prolonged grief. Prolonged grief when losing our loved ones is understandable, but how does grief manifest? What are the symptoms? 

Well, there is no one size fits all. Dependent upon your circumstances and personality, it can, broadly speaking, assume a couple of forms; firstly, there may be an outpouring of emotion which can feel uncontrollable and uncontrolled, often leading to dysfunction in everyday life – not going to work, no longer engaging in activities, interests, seeing friends, etc; or it can be the complete opposite – a lack of emotion and keenness to ‘move on’ and immerse yourself in your work or job. Either way, without either control or allowing emotional experience, it can lead to grief becoming prolonged and adversely affecting your life. 

In these circumstances, the provision of professional support is a potential lifeline. Having personally experienced loss and many of the types of loss which can make grief prolonged with my own pets, coupled with my work as both a counsellor and well-being practitioner within the NHS for many years, it has enabled me to be fortunate enough to offer appropriate support for people in this often neglected and misunderstood area.

My pet died and I can't stop crying 

My therapeutic service, Black Dog Pet Bereavement, has incorporated the principles of the most advanced evidence-based therapeutic support offered for bereavement and loss into the sphere of pet loss. This treatment has been advanced by the Center of Prolonged Grief within Columbia University, New York. 

Therapy can include the likes of: situational revisiting (no longer avoiding past places as negatively impacting); imaginal revisiting (telling the story of the death; processing and allowing our brains to understand and begin to accept our loss), imaginal conversations/personal grief rituals (both designed uniquely for the individual to enable an incorporation of the loved one into our lives in a symbolic and healthy way); psychoeducation (learning about why we experience loss so deeply); and exploring goals, values, and aspirations (enabling us to experience fulfilment, purpose, joy in our lives). These strategies are agreed upon with those I help and explained clearly at each stage of the process; they are also undertaken where appropriate for your individual needs.   

In a nutshell, the strategies are designed to enable us to experience the emotion of loss in a healthy way and to move forward in our lives integrating our loss in a meaningful way. It is not that they are designed to trivialise your loss, but to both normalise the loss and honour the memory of your lost loved one. 

Seeking out support takes great courage and commitment; something which I admire in people who come to me for support. With these qualities and helping to foster self-compassion, we know the strategies utilised in treatment can work. How so? Well, in contemporary neuroscience (brain studies), we now know that we have neural plasticity, which essentially means that we can change the way the brain works. These strategies are designed to assist this process; this doesn’t mean we are looking to forget the feelings or the memories – quite the opposite – we are utilising this awareness of our capacity to change to incorporate our loss in a more meaningful and soulful way.

When our beloved pets leave this world, they take a piece of our hearts with them. And yet, in the quiet they leave behind, they also gift us something enduring – a legacy of love, companionship, and deeply personal memories that continue to shape us. I believe that if they could look back at us, they wouldn’t want us to forget them – never that. But they also wouldn’t want our sorrow to trap us. Instead, they’d hope we let their memory guide us gently forward. This is the kind of healing a compassionate therapist can support, helping you and the one you’ve lost to continue the bond, even as you move forward.

FAQs on pet loss

What are personal grief rituals and why are they helpful?

Personal grief rituals are designed to honour the passing of your loved one.  They can assume the form of memorials, symbolic actions, or creating enduring connections and bonds. Ideally, they are collaboratively designed with professional support and meaningful to you. Every culture has mourning rituals, but these can be prescribed and often feel inauthentic to your own needs. Personal grief rituals can meet these needs. 

Professional support in this process is important because, depending upon how we are experiencing loss, we may want to encourage more emotion or enable more control to help functioning in our day-to-day lives. 

What does a consultation look like? 

I offer free consultations to individuals for 20 minutes. This is often to discuss the loss and undertake a brief risk assessment to ensure you are supported appropriately and seeking the best and most appropriate care pathway for you needs. While the risk assessment is quite formal, overall, the discussion at this stage is relatively informal and a chance to talk and explore what your concerns are and whether you think I’m someone you could work with. 

I experience quite positive emotions following my loss. Is something wrong with me?

No, absolutely not. Current understanding of grief clearly shows we all experience a vast array of emotions following loss including positive emotions.  The brain is designed this way to enable us to cope. Plus, if we explore loss from a meaningful perspective, it is understandable that we experience positive emotions. 

Why am I one of the 10% experiencing prolonged grief?

This can vary from the specific situation regarding your loss, the nature of your bond, your own childhood, the adversity you’ve experienced in life, your personality or genetic traits – many factors intermingle. There is no right way to grieve; but grief can be problematic if it affects your ability to function emotionally or practically in your life. 

Can professional support help with acute grief?

Yes, although it is likely that you will be able to function in day-to-day life both emotionally and practically within a few months following your loss. However, the likes of talking, processing emotions, and having ways to honour your memories and loss have proven to support people neurologically and emotionally. So, therapy will be helpful, but not absolutely necessary. 

Black Dog Pet Bereavement 

Andrew Hawkings is a qualified counsellor who for the past seven years has worked for the NHS. As a passionate dog owner who also runs a secure dog park, he has set up Black Dog Pet Bereavement as a dedicated service to those who are struggling with the grief of losing a pet. Visit blackdogpetbereavement.com to find out more